it is 1 am and i cnt force myself to sleep....just feel so crappy.....this will be a short one...i dont give a rat's ass bout watever u people say.....i love her...and i care alot bout her so u guys pls mind ur own business...for zahirah, yup...i was wrong...really sori for blaming...i did apologise but i wanna let PEOPLE see this...zahirah, sori for blaming u...from the bottom of my heart....so people with notin better to do bgut say aske me asal tudoh sembarangan...here u have it...happy?? hope u are...

people may not know the real story of wth happened over the past few days...yelah, aku ni kan suker tukar story...and whenever i try to explain myself, people run away or tell me to just fuck off...so heres the real story, believe it or not....its the fucking truth so just fuckinly change to another site if u dont wanna know the real story....

gee...where the hell should i start heh?? i dont really care...let me think...hmm...oh yes yes!! i remember...lets start from valentines day shall we?? yes we shall!! the night before valentines day...i went to woodgrove shopping mall to buy a pink rose for who else but my beloved nabilah...hmm....then i went back home....i wanted to surprise her in the morning by waitin for her under her voiddeck....but i was dumb, having spent watever money i had on the flower, i had none left to top up my ez link card....fuck!! i thought to myself as soon as i laid down on my bed...and so i knew i had to walk to her house to surprise her....but thts not all, i knew tht if i went to bed, i would never wake up early enough to walk to her house..so i settled dat problem by staying awake with the help of smokes...haha...gods great creation is marlboro....wont u agree?

so i stayed awake, hour after hour, i smoked and smoked, watched the tv and played my guitar until it was 5.30 am...i took a bath and put on my uniform...at 6.30 am, i walked....its not tht far,,,only about 40 minutes walk....i just wanted to see her smile...and tell her i love her...she got out of the lift and saw me....i gave her the rose....her face showed no emotion....i was kinda sad tht i was not abled to make her smile...we went to school together...tht was really weird...very2 weird...both of us, so silent, so formal....as if it was our first date...

in school, durin A math lesson, i was coughin and coughin non stop....fuckin hurts...faqih went to the toilet, accompanying me...i puked my lungs out...there was blood too.....i was scared...my eyes turned watery and my chest felt like it was goin to explode...once back in the classroom, nobody but faqih asked me how i was doin....so i told her....i am sick down here and u dont even care? she just said...ah....and got up from her seat and asked to be excused by the teacher...once class was over, she gave me two tablets of panadol...i smiled from the inside...maybe she did care...so i decided to just joke around and said...i'll pay u later for the panadol...(i was freakin jokin!!) then she replied, i guess i will pay u back for the rose....and i replied...no no, thts not necessary and i smiled....

it was just before english lesson , after puking again, i was waitin outside class to take my english book and head for my other class...i saw her restin against the wall..i asked her whats wrong?? she didnt even shake her head or replied in any sort of way....so i asked the same thing again...wats wrong...she then said....notin lah....and frowned...i was worried...and raised my voice(eventhough i wasnt supposed to) apesal ngan u?? pls dont be like dis.... she replied ckp ah kuat2! kasi seme orang dengar!!...i was like oh shit...here we go again.....i went into class and took my book....and went out...i saw her tokin to faz...so i decided to just walk away....suddenly i didnt see a teacher walking beside me...to avoid hittin the teacher, i accidentally hit nabilah...i said....sori sori...and i was kinda late for english so i just continued walkin.....she then said...eh alamak!! i was pissed off....i went up to her...and said...apesal ngan u?? tak puas? tak sengaje kan! ....then she just said sori ah! and went into class....i was fucked up....really fucked up!! went into english class and faz looked at me...u ok? she asked...then i just couldnt contain it no more...and told her..." ci bai ah...apesal ngan dier?? ape salah aku?? aku dah jalan jaoh2 nak jumper dier....belikan dier bunge 10 dollar...salah ke buat macam gitu...aku rase cam sial...pukimak ape sey aku buat? aku saket pon tak kesah.." then i just cooled off once mr tsung started playin the high school musical disc....as u can see....i didnt maki her mom....at least, its never my intention to...wat for would i do dat? i respect and have come to love her mom...what type of guy do u guys think i am?? if u think i maki her mom then u deserve this " FUCK U" only me and god knows, i didnt swear about her mom....i wouldnt do such a fuck...i love her family...

i didnt know tht people have sharp ears to listen to other people's conversations and misinterpret what people say...zahirah, i dont blame u for watever u told nab...eventhough it wasnt the truth, i wont deny it was wrong of me to even use those words in the first place...but i tell u as a man rite now, i had no intentions wat so ever to disrespect her mom or her...i am not counting on anyone to believe me....i dont give a fuck if no one believes me...i know myself...i know wats the fuckin truth....if u still think i said those things about her mom....then fuck u! but i cant change the way u think....

this is probably the longest post i have ever written, this is the first time i feel this way....my world now is so quiet, tht i cant even hear silence....i love her, but i know i dont deserve her...watever i say now will not change anythin, especially her feelings towards me...i cannot force someone to love me, no matter how much i love tht person...my head is like a freakin mess....i cant stop being confused...wat the hell did i ever do to deserve this, but come to think of it, wat did i ever do to deserve her? this is karma, god gives u the best thing in the world, and he might just take her away from u to see how much she means to u...rite now, i wont fight back, she doesnt love me anymore...she said dat herself?? i am a jackass to let u go...but seeing watever tht has happened so far...ur doin fine without me...and i'm thnkfull for tht, may u find a good guy, who will love and cherish u even more than me....coz thts the person nabilah really deserves...

all i have are memories, seein her smile for the first time, her writting in my camp book tht she loves me, her puttin anticeptic on my cuts and takin care of me....seein her wearin the tudong rite in front of my eyes, tht was when i imagined her being my wife....i still do...i remembered she surprised me by buying me the ring tht i wear everyday....i regret not doin more than wat could have been done...may u have a life, longlasting with happiness and joy, i will always be there for u, as a friend...eventhough to me u will never be one, at least u'll know, whenever i say ur my friend, i am lying. whenever i say i hate u, i am lying. whenever i say i want u to be happy without me, i am lying too. so i just wanna say, nabilah my friend, i hate u! but i hope u will be happy without me...(i'm lying) haha ok lame...

back to seriousness, i am thnkfull to god for blessing me by letting the most beautiful girl walk into my life...the person who has cared for me like no other, the person whos shoulder i have cried on and depended on...for now, missing her is the only thing i can do....

keliru dengan masa yang lalu,
oh kamu adalah segalanya bagiku,
dan kamu kucinta dan bersumpah,
menjaga yang sebenar,
jgn membisu kuperlukan mu,

karena cinta yang mendalam,
inginku rindu,
jalan cerita percintaan kita,
manusia mana yang tak membuat kesalahan,
kini kusedari,
kuinginkanmu,
nabilah, kucintakanmu,
nabilah, kuperlukanmu,
nabilah, kaulah kehidupanku,
nabilah, kaulah segalanya,

keliru dengan air matamu,
wajah yang sayu,
titisan membasahi pipimu,
oh kasih aku hanya di sini,
menemani hidupmu,
ku takkan pergi,
takkanku cari,

karena cinta yang mendalam,
inginku rindu,
jalan cerita cinta bersamamu,
manusia mana yang tak membuat kesalahan,
kini kusedari,
kuperlukanmu,
nabilah, kucintakanmu,
nabilah, kuperlukanmu,
nabilah, nabilah jgn kau pergi meninggalkanku,
nabilah, aku sygkanmu...

its so boring when u cant go to school....haha who am i kiddin...its great!!! although it is kinda of tough not seeing ur baby...anyways....woke up at 6 today....got a phone call from baby...and suddenly i couldnt sleep anymore...just thinkin of her...if u guys dont know...i have a freakinly big cut on my right thigh...the result of a sliding tackle i made during yesterday's soccer match....it hurts real bad....and its still bloody.....

woke dad up at 7.50 and begged him to take me and my mom out for breakfast...at around 8.30...the three of us went to yishun...near the library to eat wat else but prata...i tell u the prata there is superb...really good....my favourite...haha....used to go there every week with my bros...but now no time...hai...after tht...we went to vista point coz my dad wanted to get a hircut...its been ages since i went to vista point...i used to live near there...damn...i missed tht place...alot of memories...used to lepak2 there...hehe...okok....while waitin for my dad to complete his haircut...met up with my old neighbour...she was with her daughters...haha...they so big oready...used to seeing them in primary school...now they all grown up...i think one of them is in sec 2...anyways....my mom talked to them for a while ....then we went to the video store to rent some movies...i thought of watchin a movie when my baby comes here later on to check up on me...so sweet of her...she wants to come her to see me after school...cant wait....

i miss her so much...thinkin of her...i dont really feel much pain...i am really excited about her comin over....in about another 3 hours, she will end school...arrgh...cannot wait to see her face...i need her...so lonely....so weak...i just need her to be beside me...and comfort me...love u baby....and i hope she did well for her bio test...

ok lah...i wanna rest....my leg is startin to bleed agin...got to clean it up...ok see ya....to my baby....
i love u!!